I never thought I’d need to ring a suicide helpline

Everyday in my day job I signpost people to mental health support services. I know the mantra- Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness, there is no shame in reaching out for help, don’t suffer in silence. Talk. Talk to anyone, it doesn’t matter who, but whatever you do, do not keep things to yourself.

I know all these things, they roll off my tongue automatically. So why do I find it so hard to apply this to myself? Why can I not apply this to my own life? Why do I find it so hard to ask for help when I’m struggling?

Why do I when I dial a helpline do I feel so ashamed. So alone. Unable to confide in anyone as to how I really feel. Although I refer people to helplines such as Samaritans and Pieta House every day, little did I think that I would one day be relying on their services.

Why when I am putting plans in place for my death do I find it so hard to let anyone know how bad things really are? I’m afraid of making a fuss. Afraid that I’ll upset someone. Afraid that people won’t be able to help me when I need them most. So afraid that they won’t be able to help me, that I don’t even give them the chance to try in the first place.

I’ve felt so bad for so long now that I find it impossible to imagine a life free from mental illness. I’m tired. This particular bout of depression has been really severe and shows no sign of letting up. I’ve been engaging in self harm a lot and it’s out of control. I’ve been suicidal and it takes all of my energy to keep myself safe. I feel like I’m running out of time. What if the next time is the time I kill myself? I know deep down that I don’t want to die. Really I want to have my life back that is free from suicidal thoughts and thoughts of hurting myself. Everything is so bleak right now, and I’m struggling to hang on. But for now I’m stronger than those suicidal thoughts. I refuse to give up without a fight.

Don’t hesitate to make that phone call. It may just save your life.

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3 thoughts on “I never thought I’d need to ring a suicide helpline

  1. Thank you for being so Frank and honest about your experiences. My father and a very close friend suffers from sever depression and I myself have suffered from anxiety since a very young age. Mental illness is tough to talk about and you are so very brave to share your story. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that the world brightens up for you. Never stop believing in yourself, the world around you and in life; despite the bleakness, you are here and that’s what matters. Keep strong and keep talking!

    Like

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